Parents: Maintaining Law and Order at Home

It’s a very difficult time right now as many families are trying to figure out how to manage with everyone being home.  Here are some ideas that you can try to help keep some order and routine.

      Our world is currently facing a time that is met with many uncertainties.  There is comfort in knowing when things will change and when we can resume our previously known lives.  Unfortunately, a contagion has no rules and no limits so we must do the best we can to work with what we have and what we can do for now.  We need to do our best to keep things in perspective daily and sometimes moment by moment. While most people agree that “the front lines” now refer to those in medical professions- parents are also part of the front line to keep children safe and healthy- including emotionally well.
 

Parents: Put your Oxygen Mask On First

     Before we look at what to do to help our children, we need to look at parents first.  If you have ever flown on an airplane, you likely know that, should face masks be needed, parents are encouraged to help themselves first and then assist their children.  The idea here is that you, as a parent, will be more effective at managing the situation.  Although we are not in an airplane, it may be a helpful concept to utilize now.  Whether they show it or not, children (wee littles ones on up to teenagers) look to the adults in their life to provide structure and guidance so we need to do what we can to help ourselves first.  We want to reduce the impacts of “cabin fever” as much as we can so try to keep yourself in the pilot seat.

Do your best to develop your own systems to maintain.  Consider some of the following to help:

• Keep in touch with other adults through telephone and/or online video for support
• Keep up with your usual routines such as dressing each day (yes, get out of your pj’s!)
• Do your best to maintain healthy eating each day
• Keep up with proper sleep hygiene
• Keep yourself hydrated and be mindful of how much alcohol and caffeine you drink
• If you’re able, get yourself outside for a few minutes each day
• Find ways to get in some movement such as yoga or exercise videos
• If news/media/social media affect you negatively, limit that time and/or limit the sources you read
• Break up your day with tasks that don’t include watching television or movies
• If you have a therapist or counselor, speak with them about options for continued care, such as telehealth options (phone or video sessions)
• Contact your physician if your mood has significantly changed such as crying often, sleeplessness due to anxiety, irritability that you feel you cannot control, etc.
• If you experience thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately (1-800-273-8255, let a trusted friend or family member know, contact your doctor).  If you cannot stay safe and have plans to end your life, call 9-1-1.

 

Helping Our Kids Adjust

     Most communities by now have placed school restrictions- basically, kids aren’t going to school.  Some families have been fortunate in getting supportive instructions from teachers, laptops and tablets to help, and even worksheet packets to keep children engaged in learning.  Some have not been so fortunate and pressure is on parents to take on the role of teaching or at least try to figure out how to develop some routines- especially since going outside is often not an option or greatly reduced.  For many parents, this may be an added stress as school attendance may have been very helpful in maintaining routines. 

      The following is a list of ideas to help- but we need to keep some things in mind first.  These are general ideas and may require some adjusting and tweaking to fit the unique needs of your child.  You may not get positive results the first time around- keep trying and adjusting as needed- try not to give up.  If your child is acting out, having tantrums, irritated, etc., it will likely not be a good time to try implementing any routines and strategies.  It is likely your child is letting you know they are not doing well- try to connect with your child before using punishment.  

    Your child’s mood may change for a variety of reasons- are they overstimulated or under-stimulated?  Too much tv/electronics/gaming may be impacting positive stimulus- the longer they can sit with that stimulus the more difficult it may be to get them to stop. 

Engage and Develop Routine

                 Elementary age:
  

• Try to keep basic routines in place such as wake up and bedtimes, meal times, and play times
  
  
• Keep children engaged by giving them time-limited tasks like setting the table, helping put
  dishes away, making their bed, help with laundry, food prep, etc.
  
  
• Encourage them to get dressed each day like they are going to school
  
  
• Work with your child to create their own “to-do list”
  
  
• Consider a reward system to earn things and make a chart of things they can choose from (make their own currency, use loose change, buttons, marbles, stickers etc).
  
  
• Give praise when you see your child doing something well (especially when you didn’t need to ask them!) 
  
  
• Discuss a routine chart with your child to break up the day with learning opportunities, quiet time, exercise, and connecting with you. Let your child creatively make their own chart.
  
  
• Engage creativity by letting your child play the role of “teacher”
  
  
• Consider daily goals everyone in the family will work on and track
  
  
• Offer options when possible so children can feel some independence in choosing and making decisions
  
  
• Ask your child to make a daily color journal- such as color a page that matches their mood or do a drawing of their day
  
  
• Use a timer

 

• Turn objectives into a game.  “Let’s see how fast you can get your pajamas on.” 

 


               Middle school age (tweens):

• Encourage your child to make healthy decisions

 

• Be clear about expectations and write them down so it is visible, refer to them as needed
  
  
• Give them space if they become irritable or moody
  
  
• Try your best to connect with your tween, try not to take it personal when they want to shut you out and not talk.  They are trying to navigate ways to be independent, test boundaries, and are likely pulling away from adults and parents. 
  
  
• Give your child praise when they do positive things
  
  
• Try to connect at least once a day. Conversations may seem one-sided.  Consider questions like “if you could be any animal, what would it be and why?”  Ask them about the video game they are playing and have them show you how to play.  Ask them about the music they listen to or what concert they would go to if they could. 
  
  
• Be consistent and clear about any limits you set.  If you restrict gaming time or texting friends, be clear about consequences and follow through.  Kids will learn to not take these seriously if they are not consistent.  In some ways, it is a tween’s job to try to push boundaries and put a great deal of energy in wearing you down.  Most will acclimate to the changes but only if you are consistent.  (Remember, they have likely spent the last 12 years learning what they can get away with and knowing your weak points.)
  
  
• If you implement punishments, try to be mindful of how things like self-quarantine may be impacting your child.  If they have been idle and spending hours on video gaming, it may be their way of connecting with peers.  (This does not imply that limits cannot be set- remember, they would otherwise be in a classroom where social time would be limited.)
  
  
• Work with other parents to setup social time for gaming, texting, and video chat.  Tweens may often take things personal- if they know their friends have similar routines and restrictions it might help.  Strength in numbers!
  
  
• Give them daily tasks and have your tween write them down.  If you create a chart for the week, it’s a good chance they will need reminders.  This may also be an opportunity to get them into earning rewards of their choosing. 

 

                          High school age:

• Take a deep breath.  Your teen may want to isolate more so than their younger siblings.  It can be difficult to know how to find the right balance.
  
  
• Connect with your teen by acknowledging you know how difficult this time is for them.  Express to them how difficult it may be to see them isolate but also want to honor their privacy.  Ask them to work with you on what to do and collaborate on ideas that you each agree on- emphasizing that you are both making sacrifices to work together. 
  
  
• It is still okay to expect teens to have some limits.  In example, propose the need to have at least 3 check-ins a day where you physically see your teen. 
  
  
• If they are known to have mental health struggles evaluate and determine strategies that you feel are necessary to uphold.  Get in touch with their therapist to develop a strategy.  Many therapists are offering phone and video options now to help with continued treatment.  Keep tabs on medication.  If your teen is known to have suicidal thoughts or self-harm, work with their therapist to determine what safety needs should be in place such as reducing access to self-harming items. 
  
  
• Discuss expectations for things such as bedtime, wake up time, meal times, and nutrition.
  
  
• Consider asking them to develop a daily agenda, especially if teachers/school have provided guidance on learning objectives. 
  
  
• Teenagers may need to rely on more socialization through things like social media, texting, and talking to friends by phone.  Discuss any limitations you expect such as time devoted to learning without interruptions, no phones during dinner time, and periodic breaks from socializing to complete chores. 
  
  
• This can be an opportunity to let teens learn to be more responsible.  They may only live up to 60% of the expectation- praise them for their efforts and gently reevaluate the expectations.  Consider reward options as inspiration. 
  
  
• Put them in charge.  Give them an option to decide on making dinner.  If they decide dinner will be take-out, consider asking them to contribute to the cost.  Ask them about other ways they can show you they are being responsible.  Instead of criticizing their ideas, try to collaborate with them.

 
     Parents, please continue working toward keeping yourself, your children, and the public safe.  Overall, please continue to mind suggestions and encouragement to stay indoors, reduce in-person socializing, and practice social distancing if you must be out in public.  Although children may appear to be less affected, they can still be carriers to those who are immunocompromised.  If staying indoors has been challenging, work with your family members to come up with some solutions.  Are there hiking trails you can visit briefly? If the weather is decent, can everyone go for a bike ride?  If you have a driveway, give kids time to do chalk art.  If you have a yard, make some time for blowing bubbles (this is a great deep breathing exercise too), set up an obstacle course, or a nature scavenger hunt. 

 
Mindfulness Exercises for Kids

• Pretend to blow bubbles or blow actual bubbles; describe what your bubble looks like
• Pretend to blow up a balloon or an actual balloon; how do you feel before and after?
• Pretend to blow a feather up in the air, describe your pretend feather and what it did.
• Create a visual scavenger hunt or “I Spy” checklist game for inside or outside: list 4 green things; list 4 yellow things; 3 things that are moving; 3 edible things; 3 sounds; 3 smells
• Close your eyes for (choose short time limit) and list all the things you hear
• Slow stretches and yoga poses, discuss how your body feels before and after
• Pick 3 different toys or objects with different textures.  Touch, hold, and look at each one separately for a couple minutes and describe what you see and feel.  Which one is the most comforting? Which one is the least comforting?  Why or why not? 
• Play a guessing game with food- choose 5 foods to smell, taste, or feel- try to guess each food. 
• Choose a topic and using the alphabet, choose a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet in that topic (topic= things that smell good: Apples, Bananas, Chocolate, Daisies…)

Thoughts on Punishment
 
      It is possible at some point your child will act out, be more rude than usual, have meltdowns, and tantrums.  Before choosing to punish children for their undesirable behavior, try to take a step back and put things in perspective.  Children are still developing communication, understanding their emotions, and continuing to navigate where they stand in the world.  Even though a 12 year old is more verbal, they may still resort to regressive behaviors you saw 3 years earlier.  If your child has resorted to physical damage or harm, be clear about what is and is not acceptable.  When possible, look for alternative ways they can deal with frustration.  As mentioned previously,  keep tabs of when your child may be overstimulated or under-stimulated.  Work on communication- instead of saying "because I said so" or "because I'm your parent"- be clear and concise, refer back to your answer as needed and walk away as necessary to avoid a power struggle.  

      It is really tough to acclimate to some of the swift changes we have been going through.  If you find you are butting heads with your children, take a step back. By continuing with arguments there is a greater chance for things to turn into a power struggle and lead to feelings of resentment.   Whether you are a single parent or multiple adults helping out, it's important to keep tabs on how you are managing.  (It may mean adopting a "choose your battles wisely" mentality.)  Try to reduce academic expectations during this time.  If learning is important, and depending on their age, work with your child to decide some ways to learn such as researching topics, creative projects, or learning about a hobby or project they have been interested in recently.  Even family game time helps with your child's learning.  

​Be safe and healthy!

​Rochester Art Therapy is a mental health practice in Rochester, NY.
​Photo credit: Peggy_Marco/pixabay